INFJ Loneliness: Why INFJs Feel So Lonely

Anyone can feel lonely, for some people it can feel like a constant struggle. Loneliness isn’t the same as just being alone, and is a much deeper feeling. Some people experience this loneliness when they are surrounded by people, because they never truly feel like people are listening or connecting with them. Being alone also doesn’t always create this sense of loneliness, and so the feelings is something much more complicated than simply having people around you. For some people it can be an ongoing search to find those connections which will make them feel complete and understood.

INFJs do experience feeling lonely rather frequently, especially when they are younger. They might feel a sense of loneliness when they are surrounded by friends and family, mostly because they don’t feel understood by these people. That doesn’t mean the INFJ won’t love the people close to them, it just means they don’t feel that connection which makes them feel appreciated and fully understood. It can be hard for the INFJ to cope with these feelings, since they deeply want to feel connected and like they are understood by someone truly special to them. It is even harder for the INFJ who doesn’t know more about what makes them so different from the “norm”. 

The Misunderstood Paradox

INFJs are often considered a paradox, which is because so many of their beliefs and qualities seem to contradict one another. They are complex people and they don’t find it easy to really express themselves fully to others when they first interact with them. INFJs want to feel like they are understood, but they will struggle with this throughout their lives. This isn’t because they want to be different, INFJs just don’t process or see the world like most people do. The INFJ is the rarest personality type, and this rarity is exactly what causes them to feel so lonely. They don’t find it easy to connect and find people with similar views, and this makes it hard for them to ever sate this loneliness. They certainly want to find a way to reach understanding, but when they are younger it can feel like an uphill battle. Their paradoxical nature is definitely something which can alienate the INFJ, since most people just don’t understand what is going on inside of their minds. The worst part of this is that INFJs experience a lot of guilt and are likely to internalize those feelings. They blame themselves and feel like there must be something deeply wrong with them, when in reality it is not true at all. INFJs are just different than the norm because they are rare, and so it takes finding a more understanding and open minded person who is willing to take the time to understand them. There are certainly people who will appreciate the INFJs heart and their mind, but finding those people is not always an easy process. 

They Can Be Alone For a Long Time

INFJs require a lot of time alone, to the point where they can seclude themselves for long periods of time. The INFJ can be alone for so long that they start to grow more comfortable with this distance. They alienate themselves without fully realizing what they are doing, and this makes it even harder to connect. While it is important for the INFJ to spend time alone, it is helpful for them to understand this better themselves. When they realize why they need this time to recharge, it can help them find tools to remain connected with people while still getting this much needed alone time. They won’t feel like they are doing something wrong by needing this time, but can also learn how to explain to people that this is just something they need. The more they learn about who they are, the better this can be for them. Needing alone time does not mean the INFJ wants to be alone forever, it just means they need to learn how to find this balance in order to connect with people and make them understand.

The Many Layers

INFJs have many layers to their personality, but they don’t find it easy to show these layers to people. They build up walls and often make it difficult for people to get close, for fear of being hurt by them. This fear can certainly make it hard for the INFJ to make true connections and find people who are willing to break down those walls. They need people who can be truly patient with them, and who are going to stick around even when the INFJ pushes them away. This is definitely something which creates loneliness for them, since it can be hard to find people who realize that the INFJ just needs patience and understanding for them to open up and show their true colors. INFJs will give everything to the people they love, but this makes them fearful of opening up and getting crushed.

Tools to Cope

The most important tool for the INFJ who is lonely, is to understand themselves on a deeper level. Diving into understanding who they are and what they truly want, will help them uncover the ways to connect with others better. They don’t need to just jump into connection blindly, instead they need to learn to love themselves and accept who they are. Learning more about INFJs is a good step, but also learning about what makes them unique as a person and not just as their personality type. For the INFJ connecting with themselves is the first step towards connecting with other people and opening up to them better. INFJs might be rare and different, but they are warm and passionate people and this is actually something which draws people in and makes them want to get to know the INFJ better. They are not difficult people to love, they just need to learn to love themselves before they can let others in close enough to see who they are underneath.

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